i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
