How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
