Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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