My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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