do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
