Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
