you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize