they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
