i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
