you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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