I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
