Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
