On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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