foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
