seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Did I show you my penis last night?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
