eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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