I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
