1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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