I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
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