just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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