I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
