Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize