Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize