Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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