Tell her she can't have a vagina
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
