life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
