I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
