its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I can't put those talents on a resume
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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