i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
