i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
ttyl tear gas
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
