I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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