Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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