i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
