I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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