I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
