Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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