Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
it's like heaven, but drunker
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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