I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
