I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
