No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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