I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
