Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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