We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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