Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
