i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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