It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
