Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
