My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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