I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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