He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
