Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
