I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
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