I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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