i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
