Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
