I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
