my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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