once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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