I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
