I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My vagina is officially offended.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize